Carl R. Rogers

When You Are Seeking Help for Your Child 

(4 minute read)
Parents often contact me when family life has started to feel difficult, and they are worried about how their child is doing. The concerns vary. Some children struggle with anxiety, sadness, anger, low self-confidence, fears, social difficulties, conflict at home, or behaviour that has become hard for the family to manage. Sometimes there is also a diagnosis, or a suspected diagnosis, such as ADHD, autism, anxiety, or other difficulties that affect the child’s everyday life. When I work with children, I begin with the parents. In many cases, working with the parents is one of the most helpful ways to support the child. This does not make the child less central. It simply means that the child’s wellbeing is best understood in context: in the relationships, routines, stress, boundaries, closeness, and support that shape their everyday life.
 

What I Ask From Parents
When parents contact me about their child, I start with sessions for the parents. This is often where the most meaningful work begins. First we explore the relationships around the child, the stress in the family, and how the adults respond when things become difficult.
 

This kind of work takes time. It also asks for practice and genuine commitment between sessions. Many parents can relate to these ideas when we discuss them. They may agree that closeness and secure connection matter, that children need help with regulation, and that parents need to respond differently in difficult moments. Insight matters, but it takes more than insight for change to take place.
 

Change happens when parents practice between sessions. It happens in the small moments: noticing frustration earlier, pausing before reacting, choosing connection before correction, returning to repair after conflict, and creating positive moments with the child in ordinary everyday life, not only when something is difficult.
 

If we agree to meet regularly, I ask that you take that commitment seriously. Of course, children can get sick, professional life can become demanding, and unexpected things can happen. But if sessions are repeatedly cancelled, postponed, or treated as something that only happens if there is time left over, the work loses momentum. It becomes less effective.
 

I take this work seriously, and I ask parents to take their part in it seriously too.

You do not need to arrive calm, or already able to put everything into practice. That is why we work together.But you do need to be willing to look honestly at yourself: your reactions, your stress, your frustration, and the patterns that may be affecting your child. You need to be willing to practice at home, even when it feels uncomfortable or inconvenient.
 

This is especially important because many parents naturally come hoping that their child will change without them needing to do much. And of course, we want the child to feel better and manage everyday life more easily.
But if we expect the child to develop new emotional skills, the adults around the child also need to strengthen their own skills, especially in the moments when it is hardest to use them. I work with parents who are ready to take an active role in their child’s emotional development as well as their own.

 

When There Is a Diagnosis or Suspected Diagnosis
A diagnosis can sometimes bring relief, because it helps parents, schools, and professionals understand the child’s difficulties more clearly and find support that is better suited to the child’s needs.
But a diagnosis does not replace the child’s need for closeness, secure connection, structure, emotional support, and guidance from parents. If anything, these things become even more important. The emotional environment around the child plays a central role. All children are shaped by the care, attunement, boundaries, and emotional support they receive. Some children seem naturally more resilient, while others are more easily affected by stress, conflict, unpredictability, or a lack of emotional attunement.

Children who struggle with ADHD, autism, anxiety, impulsivity, strong sensitivity, or emotional reactivity often need especially steady support with regulation, closeness, predictability, and calm guidance. When a child has ADHD, for example, the answer is not to become stricter or rely more on punishment. Punishment does not help a child feel safer, more understood, or more able to regulate. It often increases shame, fear, resistance, or distance in the relationship. This can leave the child feeling even less understood and less secure in the relationship, especially when they are already overwhelmed. Closeness and secure connection are not rewards for good behaviour. They are part of what helps the child become calm enough to learn, reflect, cooperate, and gradually change their behaviour.
 

Boundaries still matter. Children need clear expectations and consistent limits.

But limits need to support regulation, rather than increase shame, fear, or distance in the relationship. Over time, the aim is to help the child build the emotional and behavioural skills that are still difficult for them. This is why working directly with parents is key, because caregivers are the most important people in the child’s emotional world.
 

Children develop through relationship. They learn how to understand themselves, handle frustration, calm down, feel safe, and trust others through repeated experiences with caregivers. A diagnosis is only one part of the picture. ADHD, anxiety, autism, emotional sensitivity, and trauma-related stress can all affect how a child manages emotions, attention, impulses, and demands. But the child’s nervous system is also shaped by everyday life: stress levels, predictability, emotional safety, conflict, closeness, and support. This is why I want to understand not only the child’s symptoms, but also the everyday emotional world around them.
How does the child experience the adults in their life?
How much positive connection does the child receive?
How are boundaries set?
What happens when the child becomes overwhelmed?
What happens inside the parent when the child does not listen, refuses, argues, withdraws, or reacts strongly?
And how can we help the parents become steady enough to guide the child with both warmth and clarity?

 

When I Meet Children and Teenagers Directly
I also meet children and teenagers directly when it is appropriate, and when they are motivated to come. With teenagers, it can sometimes be helpful to work directly with them. Sometimes parents are closely involved. Sometimes they are more in the background.
 

What matters is that the teenager experiences the sessions as meaningful and wants to come.
With children, I also want contact with the parents, because their support and understanding are essential for the work to make a difference in everyday life. Sometimes a child is hesitant at first, and we may agree to try one or two sessions. The child may discover that it was not as strange or uncomfortable as it first seemed. But if the child continues to say that they do not want to attend sessions, it is not helpful to continue. In those cases, the work remains with the parents. When the adults around the child begin to meet the child with more steadiness, warmth, clarity, and consistency, the child’s world begins to change.

 

Book a First Session
If you are drawn to this approach and you want to understand your child better, we can begin by looking at both your child’s situation and your role as parents. Parents who seek help usually have already tried many things and want what is best for their child. At the same time, old patterns can be difficult to change on your own, especially with the pressures of everyday life.
 

My experience is that change has the best chance of taking root in everyday life when parents are involved in the therapeutic work. Together, we can look at what happens in the situations where things become difficult, and begin to find ways of meeting those moments differently.
 

If you would like support in understanding your child better, working with your own reactions, and building more closeness, clarity, and security in the relationship, you are welcome to book a first session.